Why Exposure Therapy may not be working for you

The Common Advice: “Just Put Yourself Out There” 🤷‍♀️

When it comes to overcoming social anxiety, beyond therapy and medication, you’ve probably heard advice like, “Just talk to more people” or “Just put yourself out there.” This is a form of Exposure Therapy, where you gradually face the situations that make you anxious in order to reduce your fear over time. It’s common advice—but if you’ve ever tried it, you know it’s not that simple.

Maybe you’ve pushed yourself to start conversations or join group discussions, but the anxiety still lingers. Your mind freezes, your words stumble, or the connection you’re hoping for just doesn’t happen. And when it’s all over, instead of feeling accomplished, you head home with your social battery drained, feeling frustrated, and thinking, “This will never work. I’ll always be stuck with social anxiety.”

I understand because I’ve been there too. For years, I struggled with social anxiety. I forced myself to “put myself out there” again and again, yet most of the time I ended up drained and discouraged. My attempts often left me feeling even more disconnected—and convinced I wasn’t making progress.

Thankfully, I’ve now overcome much of my social anxiety. Looking back, I realize many of my struggles in my path to overcome social anxiety came from approaching “putting myself out there” with the wrong mindset. It wasn’t just about trying harder or talking to more people.

If you’ve been feeling stuck and disheartened in your journey of overcoming social anxiety, let me share four reasons why you think exposure therapy is not working for you—and what should you do to get the most out of it.

1. You're not doing the "Therapy" in "Exposure Therapy"

Exposure therapy isn’t just about pushing yourself into scary situations and hoping you'll magically stop being anxious. The "therapy" part is what really matters — and it’s often the part people miss.

When you’re in the middle of a conversation or a challenge, it’s normal for anxious thoughts to pop up — like, "They're judging me," or "I must sound so awkward." Instead of trying to force those thoughts away, try to notice them. Then gently ask yourself: "Is there real evidence for that?" or "Could it be that people aren’t focused on me at all?" Most of the time, they’re not — they're wrapped up in their own worlds, just like you are.

It also helps to regularly check in with how you're feeling, almost like you’re having a quiet conversation with yourself. You might think, "I'm feeling a tightness in my chest right now," or "My hands feel shaky and that's okay." Simply naming what you’re feeling without judgment can take away some of its power. It reminds you that emotions are experiences — not emergencies. By acknowledging your anxiety rather than fighting it, you create a sense of inner safety, even while you're uncomfortable. And that’s what helps your brain learn: "I can feel anxious... and still be okay."

Exposure isn’t about pretending you’re not scared. It’s about showing yourself, little by little, that you can feel scared — and still choose to live the life you want.

2. You Feel Easily Discouraged After an Awkward Conversation 😔

Conversations and small talk can be intimidating for anyone, even those without social anxiety—especially when things get awkward or the dialogue falls flat. For those of us with social anxiety, these moments often feel magnified, making it easy to feel discouraged.

But here’s something to keep in mind: Everyone faces different fears and struggles in life. For us with social anxiety, we will naturally be bad at conversations, and unfortunately we are more likely to make a conversation awkward. Awkward conversations are hard to avoid—but they’re also opportunities to learn and improve. Try to shift your perspective: Instead of viewing these moments as failures, see them as progress. Think of it like learning to ride a bike—you’ll stumble and fall a few times, but every fall teaches you how to balance better. Every attempt, no matter the result, is a step forward.

And remember, you’re not alone. It might feel like you’re the only one in your social group who struggles socially, but more than 10% of people worldwide experience social anxiety (Jefferies & Ungar, 2020). Add to that the countless introverts and neurodivergent individuals who face similar challenges in their social lives, and you’ll see that these struggles are far more common than what you think.

3. You’re Not Giving Enough Time ⏳

Overcoming social anxiety is like building muscle: it takes consistency, patience, and time. You wouldn’t expect dramatic results from going to the gym once or twice, and the same applies to social skills. A couple of conversations won’t undo years of anxiety, especially if you stop trying after a setback.

The good news is that progress gets easier over time naturally. As you grow physically, you’ll gain more life experiences and accumulate new conversation topics. As you mature emotionally, you’ll develop a stronger sense of self identity. You'll value authentic connections over pleasing people who don't matter to you, and be less worried about what others think of you.

That said, you don’t have to wait passively for time to do its work. You can accelerate the process by taking small steps regularly and showing yourself compassion when progress feels slow.

4. You’re Pushing Yourself Too Hard 🏋️‍♂️

Maybe you’re desperate to overcome social anxiety and try to force yourself into overwhelming situations. You look up to people who seem effortlessly social and wish you could be like them. In that desperation, you push yourself too hard, forcing yourself into uncomfortable social situations, only to end up feeling drained, discouraged, and unable to make connections.

If this sounds like you, instead of overwhelming yourself, try taking smaller, more manageable steps instead.

💡 If talking to people feels too overwhelming:

Join a virtual study group with your camera on. 🎥
Read out loud in your room. 📖
Post or comment in an online forum (try r/socialanxiety on Reddit). 🖥️
Message an old friend to check in. 📱

💡 To get comfortable being in public:

Go for a walk or jog. 🚶‍♂️
Sit and observe people in a busy park. 🌳
Have lunch in a food court or coffee shop. ☕
Join a gym and work out around others. 🏋️

💡 Once you're ready, try simple social interactions with other people:

Ask a store employee, “What time do you close?” 🕒
Ask for recommendations at a restaurant. 🍽️
Smile and say hi to a stranger. 😊
Ask a stranger to take a photo of you. 📸

💡 Progress to structured interactions, where you can prepare your speech beforehand:

Share your ideas in a group discussion. 💬
Ask a question to your teacher after class. 👩‍🏫
Share your career goals with your manager. 🎯
Share your social anxiety struggles with a close friend. 🤝

If you’re looking for more ideas, at Sociatopia, I’ve created 140+ Quests like these to help people overcome social anxiety. Come join our community, track your progress, and connect with like-minded people who are also tackling social anxiety.

🌟 Final Thoughts: Progress, Not Perfection

By keeping these principles in mind, hopefully you won't feel as overwhelmed putting yourself out there the next time. Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to overcoming social anxiety. For me, what helped me a lot was just simply walking. Long hiking trails were great for clearing my mind from anxious thoughts, and made me less nervous in a lot of my future conversations.

Finally, it's worth noting that there’s nothing wrong with choosing a quieter social life. What matters is feeling good about the connections you make, no matter how big or small your social circle is.

References

Jefferies, P., & Ungar, M. (2020). Social anxiety in young people: A prevalence study in seven countries. PLOS ONE, 15(9). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0239133